/, Love, Uncategorized/But sometimes…nightmares are real

But sometimes…nightmares are real

By |2020-06-14T06:09:25+00:00February 14th, 2020|Inspiring Story, Love, Uncategorized|

Inspitale
Because at last those smiling pictures of their’s will never know,
How much you cry looking at them…

Since I was  a child , the only fear I ever had was my mother not being with me , I had seen her being emotionally, mentally and physically abused by my father, even now I have memories of me wiping her tears standing on the bed when was like  4 or 5 years old, we had always planned to walk out of my father’s hell  once my studies were over and I was financially  stable , unfortunately the day I wanted to see eveyday as a kid , will never come.

The college campus was overflooded with the excitement, of summer
holidays, going back home, and an escape from that disgusting mess
food , finally after completing our 1st year of graduation we were going
home, for two whole months we would be with our families having the
food straight out of my mother’s heart, also this time she had learned
some new delicacies, what was their not to be excited about? little did I
know that these two months were the last two months of my life with
my…….
After 34hrs of a tiring journey I was finally in my home town, that
feeling ahhh! and I don’t know why but this time going home I was
nervous, it was strange as it was for the first time that my mother wasn’t
already standing at the gate waiting for me, not seeing her waiting for
me was a little saddening ( I know it sounds quiet selfish ) but the
excitement of meeting her overpowered everything.

With utmost happiness I kept my bag and baggages at the front door and ran upstairs as soon as I saw her I hugged her that was when I realized that she had
grown very thin and feable and also her head was covered with a scarf
and she was bald!

At the very first instance I wanted to ask her a lot of questions, but I
chose to remain silent she gave me some coffee while my father was
busy diverting my mind so that I could not process the questions that I
wanted to ask , my mother was crying while making the coffee that was
when I realized that something major was wrong.

At all of our sitting places and bedrooms their were these big bottles of a
highly medicated, strong anti-infectant sanitizers my mother and I were
sitting on the bed when finally decided to break the ice asking her about
those sanitizers ,to which she said that these days she was becoming
very peculiar about hygiene and saying she removed the scarf from her
head “look at my new look” , looking at my mother bald I was
absolutely stunned although she looked even prettier, I asked was it
because she wanted healthy hair or something like that to which she
replied “ I have cancer, 4
th stage” my heart stopped, it was like a blow
“maa, you’re lying right ?”
“no.”
My first instinct was I wanted to hug her and cry my heart out but I
thought that crying would let her hopes down so I told her
“no worries maa, people live years inspite of cancer”
Both Maa and I were very positive about it, later I also came to know
that even my younger sister was involved in my mother’s plan to keep
things from me from the past 6 months. It was a difficult process of
letting the fact that my mother has cancer sink into me, what was
disheartening was what my little sister had to go through, what is even
worse than watching your mother go through chemotherapy.
A few days after I was home my mother went in for a HIPEC which
basically is a high intensity chemotherapy,( in which your stomach is slit open and washed with chemicals at 40` C for about one and a half an
hour .) While my mother was at the hospital me and my sister were at
home, I had to do all the house chores all this while and that was when I
realized that why my mother used to complain about her back pains, leg
pains and how unthankful we were for all the work she did as a
housemaker. 11 parts from my mother’s body were removed during
her12- hours long operation, she was very through out, the doctors stated
that not even once did she panciked or did her blood pressure went up or
down, when she back home after 2 weeks even weaker she told me that
this surgery had 99% chances of failure but she still went in for that 1%,
that was when I realized that I needed to be strong because a strong
woman has raised me .
Things were not very pretty when she came back, like she used to cry
whenever she was alone (I don’t know what she thought ), she did not
eat for 2 days or so, she had cramps so worse that she cried, I used to
sleep with her she used to have hunger pangs in the middle of the night
she used to wake me up to get her something to eat I did get annoyed at
that time but now I feel sad, I wish she could wake me up again ask for
food. I had never cooked ever in my life, but for her I learned how to
cook and she did even liked it, I used to was her clothes, make her food,
give her a bath, do the dressing of her stiches, we also used to watch
funny videos together and laugh together. 2 months went by and my
holidays came to an end me and my sister,mother left home together we
went to my grandparent’s home (my sister and mother were supposed to
be their, so that maa could properly be taken care of, also my
grandparents wanted to keep their daughter for some time),when I
leaving for the university my grandmother, me and my mother all of us
were crying before I left my mother hugged me and said

“don’t cry, you are the best child”, (I wish I knew that, it was my last
goodbye to her)

When I was back at the university my mother and I used to talk almost
daily, till our routine broke from around September 2019, I came to
know that she was in the ICU(intensive care unit) a few days later my
father calls and asks me to come home ( I was still not so panicked, I
thought may be wanted she me around).
It was 18th of September 2019, I was sitting outside the CCU (critical
care unit ) with some of my relatives waiting to see my mother and I
don’t know why but while I was sitting their I started to tear up thinking
that the person whom I used to see every day now I have to wait to see
her.

Finally I got to see her my aunt and I walked into the CCU together I
was asked to put on a mask, cover my head and clothes and feet I
walked in it was this big – big room with surgeons all around my aunt
went and stood by a bed, their was someone surrounded all by machines
I looked closely, it was maa for a few minutes I looked at her numb ,her
legs and hands were swollen and they were slightly yellow, she was
weak very weak her mouth was covered by an oxygen mask (which she
was revolting to remove) her eyes were completely yellow and pale to
look at my eyes were teary, my aunt was crying and looking at tears
rolling down my mother’s face I could not stop myself from crying too,
my mother was telling me that she wanted to go home, but no one was
listening to her, she was not even able to speak she had been in the
critical unit for the past week without water or food, surviving only on
oxygen.

Maa asked me to hug her but I couldn’t because of all the machines and
drips surrounding her, no one ever deserves to see their mother dying and feel completely helpless about it. I belive that was the worst day of
my life I was told that she had appendical cancer (this cancer has no
cure yet) and just last days of her life. I cried the entire day and I wanted
to be with my mother but I did not had this much courage of watching
her in that condition, dying. I went to see my sister she did not know
about her being in the CCU she was excited about when will mom come
home she also showed me the notes she had written for her whenever
she comes , but I did not tell her about how I saw our mother I did not
wanted to break her hopes, the next day on 19 sept 2019 I took a bus for
the university, on my way I just cried praying to god to do whatever is
best, I did not wanted her to go through any pain on, 20th September
2019 at 8’oclock as soon as I got down of my bus I received the message
that my mother was no more.
So here I am six months past my true love’s death, acting out everyday a happy life and crying myself to sleep everynight.

 My mother Arti Badoni Joshi has been and will always be my armour, my shelter, I love you maa life is tough without you .

Now I know why she raised me so strong
As I had to bear the grief of her loss.

Through sharing this piece of my story I just wanted to say, you never
know when are your last goodbyes, so make sure you tell your loved
ones how much you love them,

Because at last those smiling pictures of their’s will never know,
How much you cry looking at them…

With love to every mother

 

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