…It makes me feel like I am 8 again.
It makes me feel that I should stop it,
Last time I didn’t and it scared me.
I wished I had pushed, resist, said ‘No!’ at least.
I didn’t do anything.
It seemed like my consent,
But I swear I didn’t know what all that meant.
I just followed what I was asked to do…
He was my neighbour, 6 years older than me. We were close, for him I was the little sister he didn’t have.
The first incident I remember was during the Summer Vacation of 2006/2007. One afternoon we watched ‘Kal Ho Na Ho’ on TV; great movie, great songs especially ‘It’s time to Disco’, it became our jam. He bought the cassette and then every afternoon we would gather at his place, switch off the room light, turn it into our disco and dance… One day after the song got over he pulled me towards him and kissed me on my lips. When I asked why he did it, he said, ‘Arey! Movie me song k baad Shah Rukh kiss krta hh Preeti ko isliye.’ and I believed. It wasn’t the only time it happened in fact it was the start and slowly tongue was involved, his hands would move all over my body; I can still feel that force. I remember telling him that I don’t like it, it feels gross, I asked him if he wants to kiss he can kiss on my checks but he said, ‘You checks aren’t soft’ and continued kissing. I kept quiet because first, I didn’t know that it was wrong and second, he was my favourite, we were close and I believed everything he told or did. Soon, vacation got over, he got busy with school so won’t come to play, we would rarely meet and I too forgot about the incident.
Then the same year during winter vacation, one afternoon, I went to the terrace. There was a big room at one end of the terrace and in that room was a bamboo hammock, I sat on it with my comic book. Few moments later, he too came and said that he too wanted to sit on it so I let him sit and then sat on his lap. We were talking, he suddenly said, ” You will play a game.” And then he took at the corner of the room where there were no windows so that nobody could see us started kissing me, put his hands in my pants, pulled it down, sat on his knees and started licking my vagina and I became statue, couldn’t move, couldn’t utter a word, was just standing still, confused, thinking , ‘What is he doing? Why is he doing? Isn’t it gross?’ After this incident I tried maintaining distance but he would find ways. Once he convinced all of us to prepare a play that will perform Christmas eve, I don’t remember what was the story, all I remember was that he was a wolf and I a girl and he would eat me and something like this. We would practice on my terrace and he would take me in that room, undress me, “pretend eating me”, if I asked him to stop he would reply that I am chubby so it will take time to eat me.
Why didn’t I tell anyone about it, because I didn’t know it was wrong. It sure didn’t feel right but I didn’t know it was wrong. I backed out and decided not to take part in the play.
One day he was caught teasing a girl. He was grounded, my parents forbid us from meeting him and thus it all ended.
It took me a few years to realise what happened, more to realise that it wasn’t my mistake and much more to tell this story.
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