April 12, 2020. Easter Sunday. The last day of our Holy Week. The last day we practice our religious beliefs as Roman Catholics. The first time we experienced our Holy Week in ECQ (enhanced community quarantine) for COVID19 (coronavirus).
People realized a lot of things during this pandemic. I too realized a lot of things.
They realized that loving and caring for other people can heal all of us.
I, on the other hand, realized that I should slow down. I mean, really slow down. Not just a day to day basis. But every minute of my day. It’s like I’m always in a rush when I feel like I’m not. I felt like I’m moving way too fast than enjoying the moment. It’s not because I’m in quarantine and some of the people around me are going nuts. It’s more of, I felt like I am taking too many steps and bit a lot of life, more than I can chew. It’s not that I’m in so much pressure in every aspect of my life by what I am chewing on.
To be quite honest with you, I’m in so much pressure right now than before this pandemic started. It’s not that I’m not used to this or that I’m bored. It’s more of, the things I have to think very carefully before doing or asking it. Because it may sound as if I’m being too insensitive to the situation when in fact it’s been there underworks before this started… I felt like I should take it piece by piece. Smaller than bitesize. A crumb of the cake of life that is. We have 366 days… Everything in my 2020 is planned out. Accidentally.
I take things as it is. I’m given opportunities and take it as it is being presented to me. They saw my potential and I want to try it. Y.O.L.O. You Only Live Once. is how I view and take my life. Enjoying and thanking this God delivered opportunities in seeing His wonderful creation and having the freedom of choice to select and enjoy the blessings He continuously gives me. Usually, as to my late 20s, I try my best to have something to add to my life, to my resume, to my brain and soul. But as God, the universe and life fired and dictated how it is and as to how I am as a person, it surprisingly got planned out by December 2019- January 2020. My schedule for 2020 got planned out and it never did once overlapped or got any issues.
But that doesn’t mean I go haywire if nothing new is happening into my life.
Only during this quarantine that I felt like I am moving way too fast even if it’s just 1 minute in my clock. I felt like I am being suffocated by how perfectly my 2020 was been mapped out by these God delivered opportunities despite having a lot of “downs” like losing a lot of people in this life; having my room trashed and lost a lot of my stuff; having issues with my two of my Dentists; experiencing the Taal Volcano spewing ashes with chances of an eruption any time soon; undergoing this 2020 pandemic with some of my officemates and family members being stressed over this; that oftentimes affects my mood that I’m beginning to dislike them*.
Don’t get me wrong. I am happy and grateful for these. All of my life’s ups and downs. But I just felt like I am consuming my 27 years way too fast but then I also felt like my life is too fast that I might not reach all these things because of these setbacks and concerns.
I am indifferent; that I don’t wanna deal with any kind of person in my life; and thinking that I’m moving way too fast in my life.
I know, I am not making any sense. I too can’t explain it well… In my head, it is this and that. I can understand it but can’t make it viable to be understood outside my head.
Let’s just say I am feeling this and that. I am thinking, this and that. But no deductive conclusions or reasoning. It’s not that way connected. It is as it is.
Yes. You may and can misunderstand what I’m saying or what I’m trying to say. We have different wirings. It’s well and good. It’s perfectly normal. But I encourage you to really understand where I am coming from and not take this as another “crazy post”. I challenge you to look inside of my head and to your head when things or we don’t make any sense. It’s not about understanding. It’s about accepting. Why do we have to make sense of it, every single time?
I am not okay. And so I feel indifferent. I push people away. I stay quiet.
I am not okay. And that’s okay.
I can’t make sense of this inside my head. And that’s okay.
It is okay not to feel okay; not just during this quarantine period. But in every aspect of our life.
Easter means new life and appreciation. But Easter also means taking care of your self and the day you have at this very moment. Let’s not just accept and understand what we can understand and make use of or make of. Let’s also accept and understand our weird angles. And those that we can’t put a finger on to it.
*dislike them meaning what they’re doing and saying but that doesn’t mean I hate them or what. It’s perfectly normal to be in heated situations.
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