I couldn’t make out what time it was, I didn’t feel the warmth of the sun nor could feel the silence of the night. It was all blue and gloomy with bright lights on the ceiling glaring my sight. I was fatigued, couldn’t move my body, couldn’t speak properly but my mind wouldn’t stop thinking. It is interesting how our mind works, it won’t stop overthinking even when there is a ray of hope but will get into denial when everything, including life, is at stake.
I had been hospitalized after I crashed my bike on a divider and broke my left shoulder and right wrist. The doctors had seen the X-rays and advised that only surgery can bring me back to shape. There was also talk that they were going to drill my bones and fix them up with screws, I only knew what my mother told me when she cried her heart out sitting beside me. It was time for the surgery when two men rolled me in a stretcher into a corridor with long blue curtains and bright ceiling lights.
I realized that it was the waiting corridor. Two nurses came near me and started cleaning me with wet wipes in preparation for the surgery. Another woman came near me with a smile, she must be the anesthesiologist whom I had met the day before, she injected something into the drips bottle and slowly walked away. I started feeling drowsy but was very well conscious of what was happening.
My mind wouldn’t stop thinking, I could see my mother’s crying face before me. Even though she tried to hold it and be strong, she couldn’t help it. Everything that I had done wrong on that dreaded night of the accident popped one by one inside my mind. May be I shouldn’t have drunk that last drink, I shouldn’t have driven after that, I shouldn’t have left home at all that night. Will I be normal again? Can I find myself as an artist again? Will I be able to water my plants? Will I find the courage to apologize to my mother for putting her through all this? Can I find the courage to fight this trauma? Will I be able to play FIFA on my PlayStation?
Looking back, it is interesting how so many questions and thoughts came into my mind at that time after everything had happened but not one single thought stopped me from driving after drinking, guess that is how mind works.
I was on the brink of being unconscious and all these thoughts had made me dead afraid. Closing my eyes tightly, I kept repeating “I want to live” when a hand held me. I opened my eyes to see a face with lights lit from behind, I don’t know who it was but the face said “You will be fine” and I believed. I believed that I will be fine, I believed in life.
All I could hear was beeping sounds when I realized I had come back to consciousness. It was the same corridor as before and a nurse came to wake me up. I smiled and then vomited into a basin which she had brought. It was beautiful, all the bitterness and sourness inside me getting out. Even though I couldn’t lift even a finger, I felt alive! I wondered how infectious Hope can be! Sometimes all you need is to go through that small blockade of doubts and fear to come out and see how beautiful and precious life is.
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