She slowly leaned on my left shoulder. I grabbed her from her back. She was breathing high and low with a weird sound. And within a few seconds, her breathing took a halt and then stopped. I called her several times, tried to wake her, but she didn’t respond. I slapped her cheeks thrice, but she was gone by then. A few minutes back she was in the washroom to ease her breathing there. A few minutes before that she woke me up as her irregular breathing was not stopping. She was not in a state to talk even. So, she couldn’t tell me what exactly was happening. I tried to calm her down by rubbing her back and helping her drink some water. But within a span of twenty minutes after that death abducted her.
Years passed by after that incident and I kept trying to deal with the fact that her presence is missing in every little moment of my life. Some nights I feel her soul in my dream. Some days I stay silent to understand how our discussions about problems and happiness have ended suddenly. I sometimes find myself on the edge of a no reacting zone where I keep looking at the sky and try to understand what exactly I feel. Mostly I get no answer. But now I understand that I breathe to find myself in those corners of life where I thought I would never reach.
I am a changed person now. Time and life a few years back were not the same as it is now. I was impatient, shy, adamant, nervous, coward, foolish, loud yet happy. Now I am quiet, patient, adjusting, soft, confident, strategical and yes happy too. Honestly, happiness is a bit different at present. It is not anymore found in buying clothes or getting a gift. Happiness is now felt more in achieving those which I never thought I could.
Once life offered me a solo trip to Ladakh and I grabbed it. Life asked me to sing songs in my own tune, so I started following that. Life sometimes makes me deal with my own insanity when I breathe better than being normal. It also shows me mirage of the intricate society and I try to learn from it. Sometimes when I travel to the barren land of loneliness, life slowly pulls me back to the greens. Many a day I dive into the depth of the creative oceans and write my poems. Life is full of magic for me now. If I am writing this piece at the last hour before submission, then it is because of life who has taught me not to withdraw but to hold the breath and carry on. Life has been a roller coaster ride after her death. Sometimes I feel it is she who is invisibly making all the wonders happening. Yes, it must be her. Oh! I forgot to mention it before. She is my mother.
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