“No”, used to be her most favourite word. Disbelief, distress and directionless. Everything she thought and felt, touched her soul in a way that it caused more pain. It was in many ways similar to what I had felt all those years ago. I had been sad. I had been weak. Yet, it was time for a change. For both of us.
However, knowing her I knew that if I had to make things right, I had to inspire myself first. Leaving behind a lot of wrongs, I had started a care-free life, with nothing to lose and wasn’t in the right frame of mind to evolve into this motivational being. Despite my shortcomings, I decided to stay firm and be the man that I could be, rather than who I was or wanted to be.
It wasn’t the easiest choice that I had to make back then. Yet, I knew that if I didn’t do things the right way, she may never even consider fighting for her life. It was the first time in my life that I had done something huge for some else. At that point in time, I didn’t really want anything in return. Beyond a certain point, the care began to transform into love.
Ignoring the fact that those were the best days of my life, I had now grown selfish. I wanted something in return. I even probably thought that it was now my right. Not because I was the best but for the reason that I had stayed back when everyone left. To add to that, I had now become someone else for another person and I was so used to this change and the person who made it happen. She had transformed from my shadow into my soul-mate too, at least in my mind.
Despite all the perfectness of emotions, things didn’t really go my way. Just when I could see the brighter side of things, she said ‘No’. A word that can break hearts and scatter emotions. I had lost myself to me once again. The disbelief, distress and directionless tags were all my to experience now. The worst part was that I had never felt so helpless in my life before.
Self-pity was not my thing and though I thought of suicide for a few seconds, I remember the gift of life and my mother’s love. I laughed thinking that I would never be so weak again and I never looked back ever since. My aim in life? No matter how wrong or right I may be, never giving people the right to judge me.
This is what a ‘No’ can do to a failed lover. Endless attempts to change her feelings and thoughts towards me had failed and yet I fought an endless battle. Today, five years down the line, I know I have lost her. However, who has really lost? We will never really know or actually understand now. The reason? We still don’t let anyone judge us!! We are both self-inspired and are self-motivated. The right to tag and untags have all been hidden.
What now barely lasts is the word that started it in all our lives. A blunt ‘No’.
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