Moral: “Take courage in changing negative to positive and you will realize how easy it is to Let Go and Move On”
Finally after a lot of struggle I got admission in one of the best University to complete my graduation studies in Mumbai.
My name is Shirley Joseph, living in Mumbai since 15 years, I am single child to my family. As a human I am very kind, shy and introvert person. From my childhood I have faced many criticism and received comments on my looks, that I accepted my nature of being silent.
My weakness is, I fear approaching people thinking that they, would not want me as a friend or a help. Deep down somewhere I knew this is wrong and it’s just a negative feeling.
I was about to start a new phase of life….
The college was huge with an amazing campus along with multiple branches of different domains like Pharmacy, engineering etc.
My first day was a little weird as I kept observing people around me instead of talking to them and making friends.
It was interesting to observe other students like me, some chilling on the corridors whereas some seriously discussing with the professors and others proceeding towards the loboratory wearing lab coats. I felt a sense of newness that I will be soon part of them once I get my allocation to a particular classroom.
This was going to be one of the challenging journey for me but I was ready for it.
The first session that was planned, was the Orientation session for the newbies.
They made all the newbies to sit in an auditorium. It was a huge auditorium and a huge crowd of new people along with me. When I entered the auditorium I saw people sitting in groups and having fun talks, laughing and I realized that many here know each other, whereas there were few who were sitting idle single, and others busy over phone. I searched for a vacant seat in the middle zone and sat. The session was fruitful, as we got to learn more about the college and our curriculum for the years coming forward. At the end of the session they announced that we had to mark attendance before leaving the auditorium and lunch is organized for all of after which we can proceed towards respective classrooms.
After a great lunch, I stood in the queue to mark attendance for the session. The queue was a big one, hours may take for all to sign and leave. While I was waiting for my turn, I saw few similar faces and tried to recollect who they were. After a lot thinking I recognized them to be my previous college mates. We were not good friends in previous college, yes but we were mates, same classroom, same class teacher. I remembered their faces but didn’t recalled their names.
They were ahead of me and busy talking with each other and I was behind them at the count of 15. I completed my attendance marking and hurried out in a hope that atleast I can try to approach them and if they remember me, I will be having friends on my first day.
I searched for them and finally I found them proceeding towards the stairs. I controlled my negative feelings and to my surprise I went towards them and approached them, and luckily they remembered and then, what we were friends. Their names were Laxmi Nair and Divya Joshi.
My friendship journey started and as time passed I had 2 to 3 groups of friends circle. But mostly I use to spend my time with Laxmi and Divya since they were my first friends in here and it was a different close bond of friendship I shared with them.
Our core subject of the curriculum year was Microbiology with other mandatory and optional subjects. We three were sharing same syllabus and the study activity was divided into two parts theory and practicals.
The journey started we got our routine and we were enjoying both the studies as well as the friendship part of life. I was more attached to both girls and they were one of the main reason why I use to come college and always say yes for their every plans and need wherever possible.
The initial part of college life was the best part my bond with them only grew more close, we had many memories together. We planned for many trips and bunked many classes together. All was fine and a cool group of three girls.
With other friends I had a bond of doing fun talks and normal study talks but not like the bond I had with Divya and Laxmi. I knew that in my need and problem they will be the one to support me and understand me.
I realized that I was very mischievous when I am in a comfortable zone and group. I use to crack jokes and make them laugh, sometimes lead the discussion and help them understand the difficult topic for subject and even help them completing the practicals and the practical notes.
As time passed our studies got serious as we had multiple examinations scheduled. We three have planned to wait back after college daily routine and study for the exams in library. We had made a big list of topics to be discussed and the books we wanted as reference to make easy notes.
The first day of our library visit, I was in a book standing in queue to issue the required books, whereas Laxmi and Divya were inside the library to book a nice and table in a silence corner.
I issued the book and entered the library sitting area, to my surprise there was a new face with the girls. I knew him as he was among us in the college in here. His name was Nihaal Singh. He was scholar and had a good reputation. He was always appreciated for his use of knowledge in correct place, also he was very helpful and fun loving guy.
Until now I have never spoken with any of the boys in my class or the girls met because of the negative thinking I had.
Hence my confidence level went down when I saw him sitting with the girls. I was standing at the edge of the table when Laxmi called out my name and asked me to sit.
The whole time we were in library I was numb and silent. Discussion continued as planned and when target was achieved we packed to leave for the day.
He approached us and said that he will be walking with us till the bus stop today.
They all had a good time and I was just smiling wherever I should but said nothing.
When we parted for our respective homes I was in a long thought that my negative thinking was back, that he will not accept me. As I was not that good as compared to my other two friends in terms of interaction and looks. I wanted to stop my thinking but it continued whole night until I slept.
From then on we were 4 of us sitting in library for the discussion and preparation for examinations. We had fixed the corner table for us and use to sit in the same every day. My behaviour continued to be the same. During the library time I was back to my original personality of being shy and silent person.
Because of this my negative thoughts started appearing again and my confidence level was decreasing every single day.
My two friends never asked me about my worries and hence there was no one to share my feelings. I realised that even though I was part of the discussion in library I didn’t learnt a single thing as I was lost in my thoughts and struggle to begin a talk with him and others in front of him.
I was tensed and in anger. I was blaming myself for my own loss. Why was I thinking so much and stopping myself from being part of the discussion. As time passed, our meeting continued and my thoughts too. I knew I had to control my negative thoughts and move on and if I succeed I will find a new friend.
Next day the plan was the same and while discussing all were stuck at a point and busy searching the answer in the big books, I controlled my emotions and closed eyes gained back my confused gave a positive thinking to my mind and spoke. I explained them the concept and cleared their doubts. At the end all three appreciated me for helping them and from then on little by little my talks with Nihaal too grew and we became good friends.
I now was back to a fun loving person mode with all three of them. It was happiness and achieving this great friendship in life I decided to control my negative thinking and just be positive always.
The memories grew and it was great to have with us to be cherished all life ahead. I knew they were my friends for lifetime.
We successfully cleared exams and as expected Nihaal was the top scorer and we three managed to clear with good marks.
We had a vacation for 3 weeks before we start with new curriculum. I thought that we will be making big plans during the vacation but all were busy hence no plans were made.
When we returned back from holidays I was excited to meet all and share our holiday trips. Nihaal was missing and I got to know that he will be joining us after a week.
Laxmi and Divya disclosed that they are now in a relationship of love. Their most of the plans this vacation was with them and not with their families.
They both were talking about the trips and the time they spent together. I was happy for them. Things changed a lot after vacation actually, their priorities changed and topics of discussion too. I was not there in any of their plans and many things they started hiding from me. Our small talks and library discussion also stopped as they had boyfriends waiting for them out. When Nihaal returned he too got busy in his research.
One day they forced me to meet their boyfriends. I had no choice as after a long time we were going together out. I agreed and I think that was my big mistake.
As per our plan, we had to bunk lectures and visit the boys have lunch and roam for a while and return home.
When we completed with our practicals in the morning, we packed bags and we anyhow managed to leave the room hiding from the staffs. These girls went into the washroom to get ready and when I questioned them to hurry up and get going they taunted me saying “we have to meet our boyfriends not like you, actually you should also get ready, how you look always like a tom boy. Grow up and be a girl. If they see you like this what will be their reaction, you are not their taste actually” they both continued taunting me till we were there in washroom. I had no words that that’s what they have been thinking about me. I was silent again and I started feeling that I should stop myself now and not go ahead with them. But I was not able to say anything to them as the washroom was crowded with many girls.
While we were leaving the washroom, one of our teaching staff entered and asked us to notify others to be ready as today will be Viva for all.
The boys were waiting out and they had to go meet him. I said you guys go ahead I will attend the lecture and inform team. Their excitement level was at a peek and they argued with me that I had to come.
Laxmi stopped me and said “You guys wait outside I will speak to teacher and take permission”. She came outside in a excited mood and said “let’s go we got permission”
I was actually curious to know what Laxmi told teacher that she allowed us all to go.
I questioned her but she reacted in a weird way and asked me to follow them without questions.
We three travelled by train, followed by auto and reached at a resort. It was very beautiful, the view was amazing. It took us 4 hours to reach the place. I was tensed how long will it take to reach home back but my such thoughts were lost as we moved ahead for our rooms where we had to keep our bags.
I was enjoying the view of the resort and it was actually amazing and peacefull. After an hour we heard a huge car arriving at the resort gate and these two ladies ran to greet their boys. They hugged them and they in returned kissed them. It was new for me and hence I was just standing and staring at them I couldn’t speak a word.
They introduced me to their boys and they smiled back at me. That was the only thing we said to each other all that evening.
They four didn’t let go off their hand and visited the reception counter took the keys and proceed ahead towards room upstairs. I was shocked as what was happening as it was all new and unplanned for me.
Laxmi and Divya asked me to wait down and they four went ahead. After 20 minutes they both returned, they were in casual wear, that looked like a night dress. I was shocked and had many questions.
When they came near me, I questioned them and I couldn’t stop. I asked them to explain me what is happening.
They realized now they had to reveal and hence made me sit in the lobby, they sat beside me and said the plan was changed on the spot, before the plan was for lunch and now boys have surprised us that will be spending one night in here in resort. They had initially booked two rooms but since I am in they had to buy third room for me. Before I could speak, they nodded and said we should have listened to you and not brought you here that could have not created problem for boys.
I was devastated and trying to get to my sense. I was feeling like I was getting angry but I could not react on them as they were my friends.
Many thoughts started arriving, “I have bunked important lecture today, just to meet two boys who didn’t even bothered to say hi, and above all I was a burden to them and a reason, a spoil that they had to spend extra money on me, also if we stay back what about my family I haven’t informed them and travelling back the journey is about 4 hours ahead”
When I gain sense back, I searched for my friends and they had gone. They were upstairs clicking videos and photos with boys. I rushed to them and exploded with all my questions. I was so loud that the staff working nearby stopped and started staring at us. Laxmi took me inside her room made me sit on the couch. All others were standing beside me. They boys were chilling on bed and watching TV.
Laxmi and Divya was trying to convince me to stay as there is no option right now to go back home. In order to return back they had to book the vehicle and pay extra charge. And the resort rooms were booked for one day.
I was not In a mood to listen and I started arguing. One of the boy stood and came near us and said “she is doing a lot of tantrums, this might not be the first time she is away from her family, might have gone so many times with so many people girls and boys, what is today that is new that she has to react in such a way. This is spoiling our mood, we can take back the charge made for her room and throw her so that she can go wherever she wants”
Laxmi and Divya stared at me and then started calling the boys they supported boys over me and asked me to leave the room and go to my room as they will join me in sometime.
I moved out and went back to lobby to enquire about returning back home. After listening to the receptionist I was lost again and this time scared and worried, couldn’t stop my negative thinking at all. I sat down on the couch and was in my thoughts when I realised that in all this discussion it was almost dark outside. It was dinner time now. I felt like crying but I couldn’t, as there were many people round me.
It took one hour for the girls to return back to me. When they came near me they started scolding me saying “we asked you to wait in your room, and you without thinking sitting down enjoying the view, why are you bothering us four, we did a big mistake of not keeping you back in the college next time we promise to not take you anywhere, we are in a relationship with the boys they have planned surprise for us and now you irritating them, how will things work if you behave like this”
I stood and in a calm voice of worry said “I am sorry I came with you guys, but now it’s time for me to leave as my parents are not aware that I am so long and cannot stay here more, ask boys to plan something for me so that I can return…” before I could complete they said we discussed and all four of us want to stay, if you wish to go make your own plan and return home and now don’t disturb us and they left.
I was very much feeling low, and feeling like crying I couldn’t stand myself and rushed to my room and exploded. I cried hard that I could hear my own cry all the room but they didn’t returned.
I tried to control myself and went back to lobby and asked the staff if they can possible help me in arranging auto to return back to station. Now the time was so hard that the staff were also not responding to me positively and started ignoring me. There was one old man, who was listening to us, he came near me and said “Child, it’s too late and dark to go outside resort and travel back home, as there is no auto or train from here the next train that comes is in the morning, you will find nothing and nobody who can help you reach back home” I again lost my self and this time couldn’t control and started crying in front of the old man in the lobby, all started staring me.
The old man made me sit down and tries to calm me down, he asked me to first call my parents and inform them and then things can be planned. I was scared to talk to them as the time was not right, I had to lie them I cannot say that I am with my friends with their boys.
While I was in my thoughts the old man, suggested me saying “lie to them and say due to some emergency you have to stay back at friends house, when you return home you can share more details also not to worry as you are safe here, due to network issues phone cannot be connected”
I didn’t gave a second thought and as the old man suggested I informed my parents and kept the phone before they could speak, I was still crying the old man escorted me to my room and asked me to calm down and have dinner and he left.
I was so devastated that I couldn’t even thank him.
After that I was all alone in my room, no body came to meet me or see me, I too didn’t went to look after them, I was feeling hungry but was not in a mood to eat. I again came back to lobby as I knew if I am alone I will continue crying.
In the lobby I again met the old man, he talked to me nicely and tried to calm me down, it was good I found him. He helped me connect to WiFi and asked me join him for dinner. I denied and thanked him for his support.
I started surfing and checked messages. I found 10 unread messages from Nihaal. I really wished he should have been here, things would have been different.
I read messages and was freezed of what was saying all about, his messages were
“Where are you? Teacher was asking about you, she was annoyed and angry. They planning to raise incident on you”
Call me when you are free”
I got scared after reading his messages and texted him and our conversation went on like this:
Me: I cannot call right now, but can you tell me what all the matter is about and why is staff angry on me?
I received instant reply
Nihaal: She had asked you to share the message with the class about the Viva session when she had met you in washroom with Laxmi and Divya.
They both explained their reason and left from college, but you didn’t even notified them and without any action left the college and bunked class. She was annoyed and was asking for you.
I was freezed after reading his messages, how can that be possible, they said she gave reason for three of us, and now why I am in the radar.
All the situations are now against me and I was in a deep scenario wherein I didn’t knew what am I suppose to do. I had forgotten the fact that I am not in my house, and started thinking of what action my staff will be taking on me.
I felt my phone vibrating, Nihaal’s phone was coming, I received the phone but couldn’t speak, he started the conversation:
His tone was calm:
Nihaal: How are you? Is everything ok?
Nihaal: Please respond, don’t worry the matter is not a big one I will support you and you will be out of it chill now respond.
I couldn’t control myself and I started crying.
Nihaal: Hey, what happened why are you crying, are you ok?
Where are you please respond
Me: I controlled myself and explained him all the things happened to me right from the beginning today.
He was silently listening to me until I finished.
Nihaal: that’s so bad, that should not have happened
Where are you, text me your location I will come to pick you up.
Me: I am not sure about the exact address.
And the phone got disconnected.
I received a text from Nihaal:
Don’t worry things will be fine. Take care
I left the phone and went to bed, and started crying again thinking about how my whole life was changed in just one single day.
Next morning I woke up, by hearing a bang on my door, I didn’t wanted to open the door, as I knew it will be the girls, and they will again say things that will make me upset. I kept lying on my bed.
The banging continued and I had to open, I opened the door, and was shocked to see Nihaal. It was him, he was there. He was smiling and he took my hand and we came inside the room.
He smiled at me, made me sit, gave me juice to drink and said “Don’t worry friend, I am here will go back home now in a short while”.
I was about to question but he made me stop, and said no need to worry more and it’s over don’t cry now. Things are solved.
I packed all my belongings I had l, got ready and we came down in the lobby.
The cab was waiting outside and we loaded our bags and driver drove the car from the resort. When we sat I asked him where are others, he replied saying they are already gone they left last night.
We were quite for a while, and later he offered me sandwich and ordered me to eat, I couldn’t deny and started eating. I asked him how did he managed to come here.
He explained me entire story that after our last discussion he called the girls to know about the place, and picked me up, also he explained the teaching staff that it was my mistake alone.
He explained me not to bunk lectures and focus on career as exams are near.
He dropped me home and the scene was different at home, I had to convince and explain my parents till another one week in order for them to believe me. Now they had a tracking device on me, they use to call me and teaching staff to ensure I am attending the lectures correctly.
Life was back to nowhere, I stopped being happy and I didn’t wanted to return back to college, my two friends they returned college and were normal.
Nihaal continued to be good and showed concern for me but I knew I was not like before, I feared now to approach people more and stopped talking, I stopped interacting and initiating any discussion topics. I even stopped going to library.
My life was like the first day again, I started taking leaves as my health was not keeping well. The only support I had was Nihaal. He was kind and very supportive. He helped me in studying and clarified each and every doubt I had.
But since he was a famous face he wasn’t able to be with me for entire college duration.
I didn’t wanted to be dependent on anybody as in friendship I had lost all my confidence I had before and had gained in the current phase of life.
I feared and was scared again, the girls started staying away from me and our talks and fun time at an end.
In a month I only use to attend college for 15 days only. I wasn’t able to concentrate on studies. Our final exams was near that would act as the decision maker to move ahead in future.
My teaching staff addressed me one day and in a calm and friendly way asked me my feelings of why I was not concentrating. She tried to motivate me and suggested me to quit this academic year and start a fresh course again with a new mind.
Listening to her suggestion I lost the last hope I had and negative thinking surrounded me all over again. I wasn’t able to overcome my negative feelings, which made me loose Nihaal’s friendship as well.
I started being silent and alone all till my exams. Our practical exams was first followed by theory papers.
Before exams I recollected all the situations I have been through. I decided that I will not quit, even if I fail I will retry but not quit coming so long.
I completed my boarding forms for the examination and attended my practicals. After completion of the practicals I didn’t met anybody instead directly went home. Same I did during my theory exams. Ideally the planned time for each paper was either 2 hours or 3 hours but I use to complete it before time.
Upon completion of all the exams everybody started their future planning and I had lost hopes that I will be clearing the exams, hence I thought of repeating my year.
After few months are results were to be announced, we had to gather in the practical room. I knew I will be again embarrassed. I reached after the ceremony and directly went to meet my teaching staff, she saw me, came towards me and hugged me.
She said “I am glad, you didn’t listened to me and accepted my suggestion of giving up and quiting the academic year, you would have lost all that you had gained this year. There have been many ups and downs and the best part is, with all this being into picture you are a good soul that you cleared the assessments both practicals and theory” also you are among the top 10 scorer in practical examination.
I couldn’t believe her and I started crying hugging her back.
She said “Take result enjoy your time and strive hard in the world and achieve your success, because it’s only you who can write your story and no one else”
From that very day I realized, no matter what our situation is and what are we going through, the thing for survival is hope and positivity that will lead to success and achievement.
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