Each missed period was celebrated with subdued fear. Each home-pregnancy-test-strip was bought with an anxious hope. Checkups and needles were our everyday story.
We both so wanted to have a child, our own child, that we were ready to challenge the destiny. Each time a person told us about an expert reproductive endocrinologist, an efficacious fertility clinic – we would visit and get all possible treatments done.
3 years after my marriage my wife was diagnosed of a condition in which she was not capable to bear a child. But hope never left us or may be obstinacy. We keep seeking different doctors, getting different tests done and trying everything possible.
India is a land of possibilities; here advice is more rampant thing than anything else. Religious gurus and many rituals are told to have power over even destiny. Brought up in the same belief system, even my mother dared to hope and try against all odds. She took my wife to various religious preachers and performed many rituals in the hope that fate might bestow a bundle of joy to us. My wife disliked going to these places but each time I said, may be one last time, and she agreed diffidently.
Each time I looked at children- their gleaming faces, their stuttering voices, and looked at the meaning they gave to so many lives around them; I felt the deep void inside me. I so wanted to hold a child. I so wanted to weave my life’s story around him that in the pursuit I stopped noticing the innocence and love that was beside me.
One fine evening, we were supposed to meet another renowned fertility expert, and I told my wife to carry on with the appointment as I was running late. By the time I reached the doctor’s clinic, she was already inside. I choose to wait outside.
I went to the pantry to get some water and I could see her coming back. She was smiling. I was really scared. Scared to hope again ….
I saw her and did a gesture with my eyebrows as if asking “What Happened”
To that with her simple hand movement, she told me “It’s all the same”
I asked her softly “Any hope”
She said clearly “None”
And she told me that doctor had suggested “Not to go for any more tests and doctors because there isn’t any hope.”
I said “Then …Then why you don’t look disappointed”
She looked straight in my eyes and dared “May we stop it now. Shall we accept what life has for us.”
And I saw what I had not seen in years. I saw that she was going through so much pain in each and every medical test, in each and every doctor visit and each time we hoped against the hope.
Might be she had accepted it long back and is still waiting for me to accept it.
I could see she had one of the most innocent face and childlike content. I realized that I could hold her whenever I wanted. I realized that we both were so complete with each other. I could easily weave my life, my story around her. With the love that erupted inside me, I could see every void getting filled.
With tears pouring down my eyes, I held her and told her that – “Yes, we would stop all this now. I don’t know why I started looking for more, and just thought that we were not enough. But truth is we are more than enough. We always were. ”
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